#DaVoiceInYourHead here... The sun is shining & I want to catch some rays.
Check out this tutorial video, 'Do It Yourself Lobotomy'.

Listen to this... #DaVoiceInYourHead... #DaVoiceInYourHead...
#DaVoiceInYourHead... Did you hear the echo in here?

#DaVoiceInYourHead here... She remembers you but you don't have a clue. I
so wish I could see the expression on your face when you remember!

I gave up arguing with #DaVoiceInMyHead. I can never win if I can't get a
thought in edgewise.

This is a #DaVoiceInYourHead announcement. I'll be testing some of your
motor skills to see if I can make your face twitch uncontrollably.

#DaVoiceInYourHead remembers what happened last night but I won't tell you. If you're lucky no one will have posted pics to FB either!

#DaVoiceInYourHead here... Do I need to remind you that if I don't like her I have 2 choices; premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?

#DaVoiceInMyHead said, "I want to be left alone!"

#DaVoiceInYourHead again... You're not Jewish and most girls know a circumcision doesn't make it smaller anyway!

#DaVoiceInYourHead here. Stop trying to make excuses. She's not frigid, nor a lesbian, nor is she a virgin. She's just a gal with standards

#DaVoiceInMyHead said, "I think I'm going to be sick!" I'm not sure what my response should be:(

#DaVoiceInYourHead... I understand your homophobia, what with your physical inadequacies, performance issues & confusing sexual preferences.

Being #DaVoiceInYourHead of a comedian is lots of fun. Politicians are boring, except when they listen to me & get themselves in the news.

It's #DaVoiceInYourHead. Ya know God can't really make ya go blind for doing that. However if I press this nerve here, your world goes dark!

The best part of being #DaVoiceInYourHead is getting to say, "I told you so", over and over and over again.

#DaVoiceInYourHead again. There are some spongy, discolored areas in here and they seem to be getting larger.

#DaVoiceInYourHead here... Trust me when I say, that's not a good place to get a Mother's Day gift tattoo saying "I Love My Mom".

#DaVoiceInYourHead again... When she asked if you had protection she didn't want to know if you were armed or had bodyguards!

#DaVoiceInYourHead here! I just wanted to let ya know the toilet in here is backed up! So if anyone calls you "Shit For Brains" they're right!

#DaVoiceInMyHead asked... How long do you think it'll take before you're committed because you laugh at jokes only you can hear?

It's #DaVoiceInYourHead... If you're gonna cheat on exams again, sit near the smart kids!

It worries me when #DaVoiceInMyHead keeps asking me if I'm asleep yet. Shouldn't it know?

This is #DaVoiceInYourHead. U know those motivational posters? Well, I can pump U up better than any of em or tear you down. Remember that!

Tell the preacher you're possessed by #DaVoiceInYourHead. He won't do an exorcism, he'll just call someone to have us put in a padded cell.

This is #DaVoiceInYourHead. "I want a puppy!"

#DaVoiceInMyHead is playing music again. It knows I don't like it when people stare at me cuz I sing along to music only I can hear.

#DaVoiceInYourHead is telling you you're feeling relaxed... you're getting sleepy. Now you're being tossed from the bar for passing out!

#DaVoiceInMyHead pretended to be a PA system. The announcement instructed me to report to airport security for a strip search.

This is #DaVoiceInYourHead...Brainwashing won't get rid of me, but it'll be nice to clear out all the smut you got stored in here!

#DaVoiceInMyHead says "Go ahead & ask him if steroids build muscle mass at the expense of grey matter. If he says, "Huh?", laugh then run!

#DaVoiceInYourHead here... Go ahead & laugh... She wore high heels to the beach so she deserved to do a face plant in the sand!

#DaVoiceInMyHead denies it has a gender. I say, "I'm sure you do, cuz you nag like a professional!"

It's #DaVoiceInYourHead... "All you can eat diets don't include a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream. Will you be blaming this one on me too?"

#DaVoiceInMyHead is telling me I can become anything I want as long as I can find someone corrupt enough in the licensing bureau.

Go ahead and have that banana split with extra chocolate syrup. Later you can tell your conscience that #DaVoiceInMyHead made me do it.

Q: #DaVoiceInMyHead, if I have amnesia will I forget you? A: Yes but it would be fun retelling old jokes you won't remember.

#DaVoiceInMyHead says, "She's too fine for you. Don't go talk to her & embarrass yourself. Let's keep you being a failure to ourselves."

This is #DaVoiceInYourHead... Stop checking yourself out in the reflections of store windows. You're making the store clerks laugh.

When you were young your parents thought #DaVoiceInYourHead was an imaginary friend you played with. We weren't friends & I wasn't playing!

Yes, #DaVoiceInYourHead is multilingual. That's why I laugh when we're on vacation. I understand what the locals are saying about you.

Hello, #DaVoiceInYourHead here... You're not being paranoid. People really do hate you and they are talking about you behind your back.

This is #DaVoiceInYourHead. If you supersize that I'm gonna guilt you into sticking fingers down your throat until you make yourself barf.

WARNING: #DaVoiceInYourHead is always watching you & ready to comment. So remember that when you're about to get naked, wild & freaky!

When I'm trying to talk to someone, #DaVoiceInMyHead tries to make me say things like, "Nice uniform officer. Now say trick or treat!"

#DaVoiceInMyHead says, "You know ya can't bring her home to meet the folks. So tell her you're an orphan, disown your parents & enjoy life!"

I never get lonely cuz #DaVoiceInMyHead is always there to talk to.

Every time I try to take a pee #DaVoiceInYMyHead asks, "What ya doin'?" It knows I can't pee unless I'm alone in the bathroom.

#DaVoiceInMyHead is giving me the silent treatment... does that mean I don't have to worry about my sanity?

#DaVoiceInYourHead here, wondering why you thought a pneumatic chisel would be the ideal gift for the mother of your children?

Boss, #DaVoiceInMyHead was controlling my mind while I slept & made me turn off my alarm clock. So it wasn't really my fault I slept in!

#DaVoiceInMyHead wants a new BMW. I say "You can't drive." #DaVoiceInMyHead says "It's a gift for you." I say "Only cuz you begged me."

#DaVoiceInYourHead here! You know you can't lie to me, right? So, you wanna rephrase that while ya still have both the chance & your sanity?