1st girl: I know a cafe where we can eat dirt cheap.
2nd girl: Who wants to eat dirt?

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once, or maybe twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones riding side saddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..

Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never
be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

Is it just me or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?