Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is safe, why do they call the main building in an airport, terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by something as insignificant as a busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can't help but remember my Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"